Live fearlessly in a limitless world

I’m creating a lot of new things today, and putting different new packages together for next month. Last night, I had a dream, where I told myself to include my book, The Gospel of You. I never recorded that book, and I know it had a few errors in the published version, so I never really thought to include it. The subject matter is pretty deep, and it is in many ways its own book, but also a sequel to Love, Life, God.  Something that kept coming up was Live Fearlessly in a Limitless World!

As I was going through the book this afternoon, the epilogue jumped out at me as it has a lot to do with the bonus call from this month (the last call from January), and I’ve seen on the blogs where some of you are dealing with what is addressed as well.

I’d like to share the epilogue with you all:

Epilogue

In 2008, I began writing Love, Life, God: the Journey of Creation by asking one single, three worded question, “Who are you?!” How fitting, that all these years, many, many conversations, and two books later, Source is now asking the same question of us.

A lot has transpired on this journey with Source, much of which has been chronicled in my writing. I tried to be as forthcoming and honest about my own journey as I possibly could, and along the way, I noticed judgment came up quite a bit. I’d moved beyond judging others for the most part, but I hadn’t quite gotten past judging myself. And it came up in the strangest ways.

In November of 2009, I was told by a doctor – wrongly – that I had M.S.

At the time, I simply walked out to my car and broke down in tears. I did not go to thoughts of love. I did not go to thoughts of divine grace or “I create my reality.” I went to, “How the fuck am I going to be any good to anybody now?” I beat myself up repeatedly – which is funny now, because in looking back, I can see exactly why my body hurt so badly and why walking was such a problem. I felt like I’d been slammed into a wall, and in truth, spiritually, I had been.

I had spent the last year working my tail off in voice over. I’d also finished writing a humor book, The Big E – Everything is Energy with my wonderful healing partner, actress Dee Wallace. I had never been so fully alive; yet, spiritually, I felt guilty, and now, I was being punished.

I had been judging myself for moving beyond what I perceived to be the typical and “correct” definition of God and for simply enjoying my life.

How dare I not worry? How dare I not be afraid of the government or this war or that horrible event seemingly looming on the horizon? Who was I to be so damn peaceful and happy?

Enter guilt and shame.

Every time I would claim, “I am Divine love,” I felt judged because I was still holding that a part of the Divine wasn’t so divine after all. It wasn’t okay for me to shine my light in the presence of so much darkness. How dare I love myself? How dare I accept myself? I was still holding on to the idea that life was inherently wrong and needed to be repented for. I was still holding on to the idea that I was wrong because I didn’t seem to fit into any one particular description or category. Most of all, I was still holding on to religion.

I talk in book one about collapsed beliefs, and I have to say I didn’t fully grasp the concept until the shit in my life metaphorically hit the fan. There I was, on hold for a half million dollar job, getting ready to celebrate the holidays with my family, and I could barely walk. How embarrassing.

I kept thinking to myself, “who would want to publish a book about creation and healing by a guy who can’t even get out of bed? What kind of sick joke is this?”

I actually refused to write after that. Source asked me many times to return to the keyboard, and I would not. I tried to barter. “Make me better, and I’ll keep going.”

Does that sound familiar?

Without even realizing it, I had fallen back into the story of conceptualizing God. I’d willingly walked into the story of having fallen from grace and being in need of redemption.

Now in truth, I had fallen: from my own grace.

It took about six weeks, another G.P., a neurologist, and a massive amount of testing to decide that I was being stupid. Ultimately, I realized that what was happening to my body was in fact exactly what Source had spoken so much about in book one: the manifestation of belief systems.

I have to confess though, that conclusion played out by way of a dream:

My best friend in the whole world had been trying to conceive for several months. A little upset that I had been able to pinpoint the time of conception, birth, and sex of a mutual friends baby (I knew she was pregnant before she did. In fact, I actually called her and told her the day after she conceived that she was pregnant), he asked me to plug his future into my subconscious and see what my dreams came up with.

Now, full disclosure: I’m not entirely sure how it worked, but it did. A few days later, I had a dream. The baby would be born in June. A few nights later, I had another dream. This time, it was as if I was the baby, and I was coming into being – literally being conceived – and somehow, I knew it was September. Then, just a few short months before my legs began wobbling and my motor skills began going wonky, I had a dream, peering several years into the future, where I was with them, and I saw their baby – who by now was an adorable little girl who appeared to be four or five years old.

Being my best friend, I told him all about the dreams. By the time I was having trouble getting around, they were ready to announce the sex of the baby. I told him it had better be a girl, because that was the only way I knew that I was going to be able to walk in the future (as I’d been perfectly healthy and happy in the dream).

Sure enough, they gathered their family and a few close friends and revealed that they were in fact having a baby girl – conceived exactly when I’d said, due exactly when I’d said.

That was enough proof for me. I very quickly snapped out of my bullshit and realized that I had it all wrong. I hadn’t been “struck down” for doing something wrong. I was simply experiencing the physical manifestation of conflicting beliefs. My judgment had become physical, and instead of realizing there was a conflict somewhere in my being, I sat down in a huff and tried to give up.

Source had been trying to get me to the keyboard because what was coming up was directly related to beliefs about God and “the ultimate reality” that I was still holding onto.

As I returned to the dialogue, I was told to work on grounding, and so I did. I spent several months working on getting back into my body – literally. And as I did, my motor function returned. I thoroughly worked the principals I’d been teaching others for so many years, and once again, I began experiencing miracles in my own life.

The diagnosis was changed to migraine syndrome. Then it was changed again, and again, until finally, feeling perfectly fine, I simply told the doctor, “You know what, I’m good.” That was five years ago, and I haven’t had a problem since.

Now, that’s not to say that I haven’t had the occasional runny nose, but I’m much better now about taking the time and letting myself heal instead of beating myself up. If I need to say no to something, I say no. If I need to take time away, I take time away.

Recently, I needed a vacation, but I didn’t feel like I could afford to leave town. I followed my instincts and left. When I returned, I had an audition for a role that had been cast in my absence, and was now being recast. The producers were only seeing people they hadn’t seen while I was away. I wound up auditioning next to maybe 3 other people instead of the 100 or so I would have been mixed in with had I staid in town, and I got the job.

Life is full of moments like that. Not everyone will always get the job, and not everyone will have a serious medical trauma either. Whatever you create, there is a reason. Don’t beat yourself up. Maybe getting pulled over kept you from getting in an accident. Maybe that job less kept you from a path you can’t even imagine right now. Maybe that missed train was the Universe trying to deliver a way for you to meet your new mate while waiting on the platform.

Whatever happens, keep loving yourself. Don’t feel like there is some mark you have to hit, some eternal bar to raise, or some past debt you must forever repay – but if you, don’t beat yourself up.

All judgment is the product of a story, and in many ways, religion is the last great story. Divine Love does not need a story, because forever and always, it just is.

Live fearlessly in a limitless world.